i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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