I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
