Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
