3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
