the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize