A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He felt like a one man threesome
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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