is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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