I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
