I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize