im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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