I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
