I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
