woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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