My liver just broke up with me...
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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