it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
