I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
