She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
