You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
