Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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