you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
