Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
