Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
