then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize