I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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