my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
