I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
