Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
is it fun? or sober?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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