Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
