i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize