3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize