not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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