so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
