so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
