they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
