He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
