The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
