Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
