Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I've blown a few things in my day
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
