i was rollin on her like bob the builder
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
