one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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