last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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