Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
