I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
