I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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