there's paper in my vomit.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
