Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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