My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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