How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
