two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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