omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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