Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
