We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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