FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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