Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize