after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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