go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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