you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize